We all have stories, chapters of our lives that shape who we are. Sometimes, sharing these personal narratives isn’t just an act of reflection but a bridge to connection. My story, though not dramatic in the conventional sense, is filled with twists, turns, and profound lessons. It’s a testament to the human spirit’s capacity for constant growth and healing, and I hope it resonates with you as it has with me.
By opening up about my journey, I aim to offer not just a glimpse into my past but a source of inspiration for your own path.
We are all in the process of becoming, and perhaps in sharing, we can find solace and strength together.
welcome to my story.
growing up in South Africa
I grew up in a beach town near Cape Town, South Africa. On the surface, it seemed like an idyllic place—sunny beaches and a relaxed lifestyle. I spent most time exploring the natural world and its wild inhabitants. But beneath that facade of normalcy, there was a persistent heaviness. Growing up in South Africa meant that fear and insecurity were constant companions. Power cuts left us in darkness, hoping no one would break into our home. We watched for cars following us, and alarms often went off at night, leaving us unsure whether it was a stray cat or an armed intruder.
The most terrifying moment came when our home was subjected to an armed break-in. Although it wasn't as severe as some horror stories, it was enough to shake my family's sense of safety and ultimately contributed to my parents' decision to leave the country.
a new beginning in Germany
At twelve, my parents made the difficult decision to move us to Germany, seeking a safer future. My connection to Germany was strong from the start. My mother is German, and since my birth every Christmas was spent in snowy Germany, which offered a cherished contrast to our life back home. I spoke German at home and attended a German international school in South Africa, blending both worlds easily.
Despite my outward adaptability, big change is challenging for me, especially moving to a new country. The transition to an unfamiliar environment brought intense anxiety. In school I felt out of place, experiencing insecurity, humiliation, and loneliness. It took a long time to find a sense of belonging, not just in my surroundings but within myself. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I ever fully achieved it.
adolescent turmoil and self-destruction
To cope with insecurities and challenges, I began shutting down parts of myself. I disconnected from my feminine energy, numbing my emotions, and leaned into more masculine traits. I hardened myself to the world, becoming dominant, controlling, and rebellious—pushing people away and rejecting vulnerability.
There was a constant inner urge to fight, fueled by anger and frustration. I felt restricted by the limitations imposed on me at school and society. My rebellion was an escape from feeling small and confined. I ran away from home, drank excessively, skipped school, and surrounded myself with toxic relationships. Most people would be shocked to know how reckless I was, even having run-ins with the police. Rules were something I despised—unless they were my own.
During this time, I filled my body with toxic pharmaceuticals, becoming disconnected from my emotions and body. I lost all sense of intuition and operated entirely from ego, projecting a version of myself that wasn’t true. This disconnection deepened my self-destructive behaviors and sense of isolation.
It was a time of chaos as I struggled to reconcile my actions with my inner self. The overwhelming influence of ego and the lack of intuition made me a volatile presence in my own life and those around me.
first sense of freedom
After high school, I set off on a new adventure, embarking on a solo backpacking trip across various countries. The freedom of traveling alone felt like the perfect antidote to my turbulent past. I embraced the wanderlust, seeking purpose and belonging in the vastness of the world.
This phase was a mix of exhilaration and chaos—I immersed myself in different cultures, landscapes, and experiences, hoping to find answers and escape my internal struggles. Yet, despite the awe I felt looking back, I can still recall the numbness and lingering unhappiness that clouded those moments. My emotions were muted, and the inner turmoil I tried to outrun remained with me, reminding me that freedom on the outside didn’t necessarily mean peace within.
covid as a life-saver
My journey took a pivotal turn during university, when I found myself trapped in a codependent relationship rooted in fear and insecurity. Just as I left for Australia to complete my mandatory internship, I was overwhelmed with anxiety and dread.
The three weeks I spent in Sydney were a blur of sleepless nights and excessive drinking, driven by a desperate need to fit in and silence the creeping loneliness that haunted me. My fear of missing out (FOMO), which had plagued me for years, reached its peak during this time. In my effort to belong, I ended up betraying someone I deeply cared for—just to escape the discomfort of feeling out of place in a foreign land.
Then COVID hit, and the world stood still. In a strange twist, I felt an immense relief when lockdowns were announced. For the first time in years, I didn’t have to play the game. The pressure to always be doing something, chasing experiences, or fitting in dissolved. The pandemic gave me permission to stop, breathe, and finally let go of the intense FOMO that had driven so much of my behavior.
I returned to my hometown, expecting it to be a temporary stay. But what was meant to be a few months stretched into over three years. During that time, I found my greatest teacher in the stillness the pandemic offered. It became a period of deep reflection, healing, and reconnection to my true self. I embraced mindfulness, yoga, meditation, and reading, and for the first time, I truly began to listen to my body and the inner guidance I had been ignoring for so long.
It was during this period that I began to understand why I always felt like the black sheep and started standing up for what I truly believed in.
leaving for central america
After those years, I realised that Germany no longer aligned with the person I was becoming. The pandemic response felt at odds with my values. I was ready to leave behind the chaos and seek a fresh start that would allow me to reconnect with myself and explore new possibilities.
With a mix of excitement and apprehension, I sold most of my belongings, packed a backpack, and bought a one-way ticket to Central America. It was a leap of faith into the unknown, driven by a yearning for freedom and a sense of adventure. This move represented a break from the familiar, a chance to reinvent myself in a new environment.
The two years I spent traveling through Central and South America were transformative. I immersed myself in diverse cultures, languages, and landscapes. The freedom and beauty of the region were intoxicating, and I fell in love with life all over again.
Yet, as with any journey, the path was not without its challenges. The old friend of anxiety and panic returned, reminding me that healing is not a linear process. Despite the outward appearance of freedom, I struggled with inner turmoil and the resurfacing of past wounds.
My travels led me to a range of experiences—from moments of profound joy to periods of intense emotional struggle. I was reminded again that finding a sense of home was less about a physical place and more about creating inner peace and belonging.
ending up in a cult in paraguay
During my journey through Central and South America, I encountered an unexpected and deeply challenging chapter: my time in a cult in Paraguay.
It all began when my parents, driven by a similar urge to escape the constraints of Germany, joined a community in Paraguay. This cult was not the stereotypical image of a secretive group with white robes and strange rituals. Instead, it was a money-driven organisation wrapped in the guise of a “community,” built on power and hierarchy. Its dysfunction was masked by a veneer of shared ideals and strong personalities.
Initially, I was drawn to the idea of a fresh start and a sense of belonging. However, the reality quickly proved to be different from my expectations. The cult's focus on wealth and control led to an environment rife with manipulation and deceit. It was a harsh lesson in the dangers of idealising a new beginning without thoroughly understanding what you’re getting into.
During my time there, I found myself entangled in a relationship that seemed promising but ultimately mirrored the chaos of the cult. Falling in love within such a dysfunctional environment proved to be a disastrous choice. The instability and emotional turbulence I faced were a stark reminder of how deeply I was still searching for home in the wrong places.
The emotional and psychological toll was significant, leading me to question my own judgment and the authenticity of my desires. After much heartache, I made the difficult decision to leave, escaping the corrupt environment and seeking solace elsewhere in Paraguay.
healing through creativity
In the midst of my healing process, I found myself in the jungles of Paraguay. It was there that I channeled my pain into something creative and purposeful—Wandersoul by Saskia was born. The raw beauty of nature helped me reconnect with who I truly was. I spent several months in the jungle mostly with my raw self, taking care of dogs, raising puppies, cooking, reading, and educating myself. This period of intense emotional work was necessary for my growth. It felt like it was the first time I was actually deeply feeling grief without seeking distractions.
hitting rock-bottom in costa rica
After my time in Paraguay, I decided to return to Costa Rica, a place where I had once felt at home while volunteering at an animal shelter. Hoping for a fresh start, I convinced a friend to join me. We lived on a permaculture farm and later in a Caribbean beach town, where we surfed daily. I loved how Costa Rica embraced my free-spirited nature and spirituality. However, starting a business in such a country proved impractical. Although I gained valuable experience through Costa Rican clients, it didn’t pay the bills. My inconsistent freelance income, combined with the pressure of launching a new business, quickly led to debt and heightened anxiety. Old habits resurfaced, and my self-worth began to crumble. Despite these challenges, returning to Paraguay wasn’t an option.
returning to germany
Feeling defeated, I returned to Germany, a decision that felt like a major setback and contradicted everything I had worked towards. Old patterns reemerged with startling ease, and the familiar surroundings brought a renewed sense of emptiness. Revisiting my old hometown and reconnecting with past acquaintances left me feeling unexpectedly hollow. It became clear why I had left two years ago. This return was my final attempt to hold onto an old version of myself, driven by fear of embracing my true identity. Yet, this return marked the beginning of a new chapter in my journey, setting the stage for deeper healing and self-discovery.
starting an "ordinary" life in Austria
Ultimately, I made a choice I never thought I’d make: to move to Austria. Now, I find myself living in a conservative little village, a place that feels worlds away from the vibrant chaos of my past. It’s a setting I never planned for, but it’s become a crucial part of my journey.
The quiet life here, though different from what I once imagined, has given me the space to begin reparenting myself and addressing the wounds I had previously avoided. The routine and structure of daily life, combined with the serene beauty of the Austrian countryside, have created the perfect foundation for settling into myself.
Aside from work, I spend most of my time immersed in nature, which is deeply rewiring my nervous system. Engaging in activities outside my comfort zone that are in alignment with myself are helping me align with who I am becoming. This environment allows me to slowly live, attend to the love I’ve found, reach out to like-minded people, and set boundaries without waiting for them to come to me.
This period, though incredibly challenging and marked by feeling out of control and alone, is necessary for my long-lasting healing. The seemingly ordinary aspects of my life here are crucial in working through my past and laying the groundwork for a more authentic and fulfilling existence.
to be continued ...
As I sit here with a cup of coffee, reflecting on the journey that has brought me to this point, I am deeply moved by the path I’ve traversed. My story, once characterised by anxiety and distrust, is now unfolding into a chapter of profound self-reconnection and discovery.
This journey has not been without its challenges. Writing about it stirs old fears and an urge to retreat. Yet, I’ve learned that true strength is found not in avoiding these challenges but in embracing them with an open heart. It’s about trusting our intuition and allowing our inner creativity to lead us. This journey has shown me that living authentically involves stepping away from conventional expectations and rewriting our own rules.
Forgiveness has been a crucial part of this process. Each choice and mistake contributes to a larger butterfly effect, shaping who we are becoming. Every triumph and struggle has added to our growth and evolution, helping us to better understand ourselves.
Although I am not fully healed or in complete control, this uncertainty reveals that I am reconnecting with my true self and intuition. Freedom, I’ve realised, is not about being rootless; it’s about being unapologetically yourself. The universe gives us only what we can handle, never more. True freedom and a sense of home are found within.
Creativity has become more than just an outlet; it’s a way of life. It’s about creating possibilities, breaking away from conventional norms, and inspiring others through authenticity, love, and self-expression.
So, as you navigate your own journey, dive into your feelings, express your true self, and embrace the path of authenticity. Allow creativity and innovation to guide you. By doing so, you will become a beacon of inspiration, showing that a life lived true to oneself, with all its tender beauty, is the most fulfilling of all.
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